


5 time Alex Turner felt an emotion and the 1 time he stopped.

by a_cruel_cruel_girl



Category: Arctic Monkeys, Last Shadow Puppets
Genre: 5 Times, 5+1 Things, Depression, Lack of emotion, Self-Esteem, Self-Harm, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-28
Updated: 2018-01-03
Packaged: 2018-12-20 18:44:35
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 6
Words: 11,513
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11926956
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/a_cruel_cruel_girl/pseuds/a_cruel_cruel_girl
Summary: Numb. Alex felt numb, icy and lacking of everything.//Just really sad and heart breaking, I'm sorry//





	1. The feeling of hot coffee on your fingertips.

It’s basic and unjust, the simple need for relief after a shitty day but in this case Alex had been feeling rather shitty for a hell of a long time or at least that is what it felt like. Nothing had particularly triggered his depression over the last couple months but slowly and subtly he noticed how unhinged he was becoming. He doubted anyone had really noticed anything yet, maybe just that he’d been more anti-social lately, no one could uncover the darker thoughts that had begun to plague Alex’s mind.

And the first thing to adjust is the fact that Alex feels shitty but not depressed shitty although it is depressed shitty. Alex isn’t sad, Alex has suddenly been abandoned by the one thing he had too much of his whole life, emotion. Something that controls everything has now been booted from his brain and he isn’t sure how to react. You will clearly come to see that Alex is in fact depressed but the classic case of depression built with the pretense of self-deprecation has been swept under the rug by Alex. It isn’t always about hurting yourself or even hating yourself sometimes it's merely the lack of happiness.  
-  
Alex sat at 4am with a cup of coffee in his hands as both his friends Matt and Miles partied loudly in the other room both of them splashing and spilling glasses of booze that was sure to stain the cream carpet that Al used to love. Lately he couldn’t bring himself to be bothered over such things as carpets, he blissfully watched the sun prickle the fibres every sunrise while he smoked a cigarette terrored from the bad thoughts that stopped him sleeping. But other than that he couldn’t start to imagine loving the feeling of the fabric under his toes, as they curl inwards clasping the pinpricks of softness, not like he once could. 

It wasn’t that Alex was sad, because he wasn’t, he just couldn’t be bothered with the opulence of drunken happiness. Other people in a time of sadness may of slowly spiraled downwards into a decaying pile of alcohol consumption and starvation, but not Alex. This was the kind of mind numbing lack of aggravation and motivation, that left him to sit out of activities including getting drunk with his mates. Neither of the opposite boys paid no mind, used to Alex’s endeavour of mindfulness in which he would slink into a slump, but what they didn’t know is it WAS a spiral down, it just wasn’t decadent in self-doubt. 

Alex was thinking about nothing. And everything. Cliche, I know and that was a part of why he hated it, that was definitely one of things he was thinking about. How can he be so abnormal, why couldn't he think about the groceries or the fact that Matt and Miles were probably wrecking his carpet? No, he was thinking in abstract, lines and colourful words that just created. Maybe that was why he was so good at writing his songs, he thought to himself but he countered that with the fact that he’d read a lot as a child and a teenager and still did, well used to, he hadn’t read in a long time. But that was the only reason he was probably good at writing. This wasn’t a sad statement in Al’s head, it was just a fact, an example would be that his hair was brown, or that his parents were both teachers. It was just a statement because Alex wasn’t sad, he just wasn’t happy. 

Alex felt the warmth in his finger tips that clenched around his mug of coffee, which he shouldn’t of been drinking at 4am. He felt his knees pressing against each other as he tensed his muscles and he felt them fall slack when he stopped but he couldn’t feel. He couldn’t feel the lining of his brain anymore, the raw emotion that usually fled across him had now stopped. It had slowly subsided since the start of December, the icy numbness traipsed his brain and stabbed him through out his heart but he couldn’t find the sadness to miss it. 

Alex knew something was missing and he felt like he hadn’t enjoyed much in a while, but it was only now that the penny dropped. He wasn’t sad but he wasn’t happy, he wasn’t even confused, he just was, a mix between what he had once been and a mix between what he would be. Which ironically enough may of been a massive lightbulb explanation to his tone, but it is also the state you, the reader is currently in, what state everyone is in. You are just a mix of what you once were, and a mix what you will become. 

Did this make Alex sad? No, do you not understand. It just made him think, because in reality we are born with a set of colours and they all mix up as we grow, and occasionally something or someone will give us more colours and they’ll all just up and turn a disgusting mush of a brown colour. How depressing. But the point was from the time that you are born, you have been handed everything already, you are already you, just minus a couple of bruises. This made Alex think more because he always blamed certain experiences for his reactions, but if he had lacked a certain emotion to begin with, it wouldn’t of affected him as much. So now that Al felt he lacked happiness, would experiences affect him more or less. Just to clarify again, if you still didn’t get it, Alex isn’t sad he’s just wracking his brains. 

 

Suddenly there's a crash and Mi is shouting something, Alex’s eyes raise to the wooden door that blocks out his solidarity, he thinks to himself for a second, words splattering across the inside of his skull before the door he was looking at breaks opens, and light erupts from the crack. His blinded and almost deafened from Miles’ is loud earth shaking laugh, “Al the vase, is’ broken” Alex again let's thoughts battle and shoot like shotguns across his mind before he stands abruptly and lets the squeak of the chair silence Miles. As Al meanders through his kitchen and makes his way to where Miles sways indignantly, he ponders why he didn’t just kick them out. 

He looks across his sun burnt looking front room and sees glass shattered along the bland carpet. Matt is stood still hands raised not moving, looking quite ridiculous but Alex can’t bring himself to laugh at the sight that would of once made him giggle, this time the only thing that left his mouth was the question, “What on earth are you doing Matt?” Mi stifles a giggle from behind Alex and lets out a gasp of air before answering the original question between fits of laughter and unbreakable smiles, “I told him not to move, and he took it quite literally.” 

Alex lets a vague smile settle on his face but the is no heart pushing it, both of the boys were too drunk to notice this feign at emotion. Maybe as Alex became more drained they would hopefully notice the door in Alex’s mind that locked him up in shackles. The brown haired boy who at this point just wanted to sleep began to move towards the still frozen boy in the light orange burnt room. “Move Matt, you’re fine” Al says under his breath hoping he won’t have to raise his voice any louder. He then procedes to tell them to go into the kitchen and call a cab or stay over, but not to break anything more. Providing the words with a cheeky middle finger to offset the tone of seriousness. Miles pulls on Matts collar telling Alex they’d better stay here and that he would help put a very giggly Matt to bed while Al cleaned up the vase. 

All Alex wants to do is sleep, and I don’t mean the sleep when you go on your phone for an hour or the type when you think for at least two before drifting off. I mean the kind of sleep when you close your eyes for a split second and you are completely and utterly gone. Like you just vanish from existence until the morning, the is no doubt or trouble you just become a switch which is then off. And then Alex really thinks about it and sort of realises, ‘Well, that's what death is.’ A switch from being on to then being off and if he was being honest he sort of wanted to flick it right then and there. 

Imagine if it was that easy? They’d find him in a while but he’d already be gone, the is no rebooting or life saving if he just turned off and unplugged himself. This wasn’t the first time Alex had thought about death, that’s just human, the mortality showing of it’s horrific side of self-torture no matter how natural it is. And this wasn’t one of those times when an emo kid thought about offing themselves of that's what Alex thought to himself anyway. This was a self-indulgent moment where he let his mind wander to world in which he simply stopped existing. He could do it right now.

Just take that shard of glass that’s right in front of him and drag it against his jarred petrified skin leaving a crimson splash on the carpet, which definitely wouldn’t be Mile’s red wine.


	2. Rose Coloured

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Suicide mentioned.  
> Self-harm mentioned.   
> Please don't read this if you will get triggered.

It was Alex’s birthday, the 6th of January and he’d told everyone from Matt to his mum to not get him anything and not do anything over Christmas. He was hoping under the tired smiles that maybe they’d take his advice and not throw an event however he very much doubted his luck. The continuation of the lack of happiness had seemingly started to force himself, barricading himself inside, he hoped no one had noticed his lack of socialising but for someone who lacked it normally, it became devastatingly obvious when he was avoiding the outside world. 

He was practically begging for a lack of attention when Miles knocked on the solid green door of Alex’s apartment that shut out the world. He mulled over, thinking about pretending he wasn’t home but Miles was one step ahead of him and shouted through the cracks of the gated entrance, “Al I know you’re in there.” All Alex could do was sigh and feel a light sprinkle of water daze his eyes. It seemed almost ridiculous but panic washed over Alex’s figure, a strict sense of anxiety bubbled beneath the surface as he imagined even stepping out of the doorway of his self-deprecating cave. Miles once again shouted out “Al I’m coming in” before proceeding to use the spare key that Mi always had for Al’s apartment. 

When the door cranked open, squealing on it’s hinges, Miles let out an audible gasp. Alex simply smiled up at him from the lowered room. Miles stared frantically down the stairs leading to Alex's small figure. The boy looked tired and decrepit, as if he hadn’t eaten or showered in a while, “Alex when do you last eat?” asked Miles in a small voice worried about the answer. Alex began to think back across the days but they all splayed into one and became a blank memory of nothingness. He felt like all he’d done was sleep, but not that nice, lost sleep I spoke about before. It was that horrible sleep when you just lie there with your eyes closed and all you can think about is scary or bad things. Things that make you wriggle uncomfortably or suddenly have to sit up from the acid reflux that relays your throat and stomach. The kind of sleep that fills you with tiredness but you are unescaped lost in a world without sleep. Alex wanted to sleep so much he was in a coma or better of dead. 

He’d been pondering it a lot lately and found that with his new lack of emotions he’d also lost motivation. And when you have no motivation, nothing but a blank brain when does it become pointless to live and when does it become stupid not too. Alex had been turning these questions over and over in his head and it really just made him feel more distant from life as if he wasn’t really there anymore. Life was a completely separate thing to whatever he was doing. He wasn’t Alex he was just a body with no context. 

Alex raised his eyes back up to Miles’ after thinking for what felt like a couple seconds but in reality had been a a couple minutes, his brain slow from starvation. “Mm, not sure Mi” Alex said, the first words he’d let out in probably two nearly three weeks, probably the first time he’d seen another human since Christmas. His voice was scratchy and scarce. Miles pulled Alex into a hug, it was one of those that could of pulled someone from death, if they’d been in touch enough to feel it, sadly Alex wasn’t. The was a brief second of hesitation or maybe it was just because Alex’s reflex’s were that gone, but that lone moment was when it struck Miles that Alex wasn’t just having a slump and that he really was doing badly. 

The hug grasped Alex tight, pulling at his skin and threatening to stop him breathing but Alex was to glazed over to even notice that the pressure Miles had put on his body was definitely painful for both of the adults. Alex felt a reactionary smile fall and pull at his face, no longer his mind running him but only the muscle memory pulling his body like a puppet. Miles pulled back and surveyed Alex’s face, the skin was white almost grey, as if Alex had just stopped inhabiting the body. The really sad thing about this though was that this wasn’t the worst Alex would get, it just seemed so out of the blue that Alex wouldn’t look after himself for a couple weeks. Sure Al, had days maybe even a week where he went off and scrawled words and words, but he still looked after himself decently, he would come back a little lighter with greasier hair but this was like looking at Alex with all the colour zapped at of him. “Have you been writing love?” Miles asks but is only greeted with Alex shaking his head. So much so that Miles grabs his shoulders scared the boy will fall over. 

“Let’s make you a drink and get you some food, eh?” He tries again but to the same avail, Alex only nods, no beautiful or cranky voice erupting. Miles makes both of them a large cup of black coffee without milk because the milk had grown mouldy and disgusting inside of the fridge. He also made Al a bowl of soup which was one of the things that wasn’t mouldy with a packet of malted milk biscuits. Miles knew the combination was quite odd but he needed Alex to eat something that wasn’t just a liquid and Al really needed some coffee to wake him up.

Something occurred to Miles, “Al, y’know it’s January 6th right?” “mmhmm” Alex breathed out as he felt his first emotion in what felt like weeks. He felt hunger, ravenous horrible hunger. The feeling had been lost and so he hadn’t eaten, unaware he was decaying his body but with the smell of tomato soup he was pulled into a frenzy. Alex all but chugged the soup down and then the coffee, and then he swallowed down the biscuits quickly. Miles thought about telling him to slow down but was too thankful that Alex was actually eating. Although he regretted this immediately when Alex suddenly lept up and dashed to the bathroom. Miles was met with the sound of vomiting.

When Alex came back into the kitchen Miles put down the phone and announced he’d ordered some pizza, hoping to refill the boy up but sure he’d tell him to slow down this time. Alex nodded grateful for his caring friend, now remembering why you were supposed to eat. And then it hit him, “Oh Shit it’s my birthday” Miles nodded, eyebrows raised. “Alex are you okay?” “Yea fine” Al replied shortly not wanting to meander through deeper things right now, all he’d thought about for weeks was death. Miles continued to glance at Al with concern but decided not to push him.

“You should shower, I’ll cut your hair, then we’ll eat and then we’ll go.” Alex gulped the sweetness of the moment collapsing when he realised Miles wanted to drag him somewhere. “Your birthday party Al” Miles frowned, upset at his friends complete disregard of the situation. “Oh, I..” Alex began but Miles cut him off. “You have to come out, I don’t care, you’ve been locked up for nearly three weeks, you clearly haven’t been looking after yourself and there's like 150 people waiting for you.” Alex again opens his mouth to barter his way out of the situation but realises he can’t, he’d be letting so many people down. And there it was, the second emotion of today, the second emotion he’d feel for the first time in weeks. And it was dread.

Not to be mistaken with sadness. This was a wretched feeling that clogged up your pores, it was the same feeling of that dirty and grimy tone you have after you work out. Y’know when you feel kinda shitty and you’re too tired to shower so you sit down and you look at yourself and everything feels so heavy and dirty, like a toilet in a university accommodation, one that hasn’t been cleaned in 10 years, one that has limescale growing up it's walls. Alex felt like his body was so very, very heavy and it would take a lot of motivation to get him anywhere, including the shower and it would take a lot of care to cover his blankness. 

It wasn’t a sadness because Alex didn’t know how much he cared that he’d leave 150 people disappointed, it was more that un-measurable amount of colossal effort it would take to please them and he knew he was supposed to please them even if it didn’t bring him joy, because let’s face it, life it just about making other people happy. You can look at this two ways; you have to deal with shit to make other people happy or maybe not even happy just neutral, or you could view it as you enjoy life and try to make everyone happy no matter the hardship. And in Alex’s position, enjoying life seemed rather impossible, so he was just meant to do things to make people happy-ish. 

Alex understandably wasn’t sure how he felt about it, he felt neutral he guessed, if neutral meant he wouldn’t mind dying. This is what Alex thought about as he stood in the shower. He didn’t want to admit it, no one ever does but if you ever feel blank being around people provokes emotion whether good or bad. Alex didn’t want to admit that the hot water on his naked back felt beautiful or that he felt he could actually see colour again when he warmed up under the showers spray. This didn’t mean he was happy but he could feel his nerves working again, as if fireworks were going off in his veins. But y’know he did feel a little spritzer of hope as Miles snipped at his hair, he felt like maybe he could become himself again, like it could get better. Miles felt it too. 

The irony of this being as soon as he saw everyone at the “surprise” party he remembered that low feeling. The feeling of when you feel really happy and someone just says something that makes you sink, almost like the little stomach flip you get when you fall but with your emotions. And he felt it without the feeling of joy but it felt like someone flipped his emotions off again, like his system tripped and restarted to how he felt a day ago. Completely blank. All of these faces looked up at him as he feigned a smile and let fake emotion cloud his eyes, while he thanked everyone for this occasion.

Inside the only thing he was thinking about was dying. He kept imagining how all those people that were smiling up at him would react, whether it was if he committed suicide or if it was in an accident. He just kept thinking about whether they would be crying or whether he thought they’d shrug it off with a couple of sad smiles. He thought about what they’d say at his funeral, whether they would say he was a good person, he liked to think he was but he couldn’t help but think he was a bad person as he imagined how people would react to his death. As people came up to him saying “Happy Birthday” he looked into their eyes and imagined them hovering above his coffin, clutching at the wooden casket, he thought about how people wouldn’t be able to look in his eyes because they’d close his eyelids and pretend he was asleep. He almost laughed at that. 

And as cut his cake, a beautiful white buttercream cake that held a garden of raspberries and crimson sauce. He thought about what he’d feel as he slit his wrists just as easily as he slit that slice of cake. The red ribbons of colourful source clustered and fell across the plate and knife. The white buttercream soon becoming pink with dilution and the knife staining red from the liquid nutrition. 

He thought how much he wouldn’t care as the life trickled out of him, like the rose coloured sauce dribbled of the cake.


	3. 27 Club

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Suicide Mention  
> Drowning, Overdose and etc mentioned  
> Please don't read if this will trigger you.

Ever since Alex’s birthday and it was now July, Miles had been babying him. It was safe to say Alex hated it, he loved Mi with his whole heart however constantly having an ebbing connection of condescending friendship wasn’t the best thing for Al. This is the story of how this already twisted tale got infinitely more melancholy.

It all started in the morning that was like any other day after the 6th of January. Alex would wake up with Miles shaking him awake every hour or so until Alex finally found the motivation to get up. Lately Miles hadn’t been in the best mood and had become decidedly more impatient with Alex’s rancid behaviour. And so the morning started like normal with Miles shaking Alex violently but not enough to unearth Alex fully, Miles didn’t have the heart, no matter how unhappy he was. He then would tell Al to get up in a sweet voice. One that would of tasted like cotton candy in any other situation, but Alex could tell that beneath the sugary tone lay an almost agitated lisp. 

Alex proceed to get up at 3pm, only just finding the motivation and energy to get up. He plonked himself down on the kitchen island stall and watched as Miles tried to cook Alex a plate of eggs. Miles was clearly trying to elevate the situation by joking around but Alex couldn’t smile. It felt weighted and energetic to even try and fold his face into a smile. He was purely not amused. This lead to a frustrated Miles smacking a plate of eggs harshly down on the table. So hard, the plate nearly cracked, but it didn’t crack Alex’s stoic face that barely paid no mind to the plate of food that was just slammed in front of him. Instead he leant on his hand and let his eyes glaze over as his mind went blank. 

Alex found himself doing that more often than not. He used to have barreling thoughts that would chase him until he became knocked out. He’d constantly have an overflow of melodramatic thoughts however now he just simply watched them roll away. Letting the sinking feeling settle and the silence start. It was like pressing play on a car radio, accept what came out wasn’t a pop song or even his songs, it was just deafening silence and he found it oddly comforting. Not having to think, became his new escape because everything he found himself thinking about was just a thought and nothing more. Even a couple months ago when he felt plagued my numbness he felt somewhat in his head. He thought about how war was bad, and superman was good but now there was no line. Everything just seemed ponderously pointless. He had began to resent the nothingness that came with arguments and so he settled on the bland sea of the horizon on his eyes. Occasionally skipping over memories trying to think of anything that might reconcile an emotion but to no avail. 

Miles stared at him. Although Alex looked a lot better than the night Mi found him, he knew he was no better. The great bags under Alex’s eye were still there but they always had been to a degree, they were by far worse now than they had been in his youth but he had always had a bluish tint under his eyes, often accentuating how big and animated his eyes could look. His almost greyish skin tone had brightened up and now a undertone of a pink lay beneath his pale skin giving him some pigment that his other ghostly form hadn’t held. He didn’t look as sunken in but he looked skinnier than he ever had, and that's saying something because Alex Turner was quite a skinny bloke especially during the humbug and suck it and see era. He knew none of things had improved because Alex had improved, they had only got better because Miles had been forcing him to eat, drink and sleep, even occasionally having forced him to shower. 

As Miles gazed upon him he knew the prickle of his eyes would not awake Alex from his thoughts, Miles had on many occasions tried to get Al to tell him what was going on, even sending his mom and a therapist at one point but Alex convinced him he just needed a bit of time, but it’d been months and Miles was still sure that if he left, Alex would forget to eat all over again. It’s like he couldn’t see how worried everyone was, since January Miles had come clean to a couple people and told them what had happened when he had opened the door, everyone was concerned for the songwriter. As if furthering proof for Miles’ upset nature Alex did nothing in the way of eating. He let it sit for a good 5 minutes before Miles took the plate from Alex.

The sliding sound of the skidding plate broke Al out of his daze, only to see Miles huffing as he started to cut the egg up into small pieces. Alex watched him curious as to what the boy was doing but not too bothered, to the point where he began to drift off into his mind again. Alex was only pulled out of it again when a sudden fork full of egg that was pressed against his lips. Alex opened his mouth to say “Excuse me?” But was only met with a mouthful of food. He forced his hand to his face covering his mouth to stop anymore intruding on his body. “What the fuck Mi?!?!” Alex exclaims completely bewildered by Miles suddenly erratic behaviour. 

“If you’re gonna be a baby, then I’m going to look after you like you’re one. Now fucking open up” Miles growled out menacingly holding another fork full of egg clearly absolutely done with whatever shit Alex was pulling. “Fuck off!” Alex spat back at Miles, his disorientated brain trying to make dots as to why Miles was shouting at him and why he was shouting back. All Alex knew was that he felt something stir in him. ‘Oh No’ he thought to himself as he recognised the eruption of emotion. Fear. 

If Miles hadn’t thought he was a baby before, he was definitely going to now, as tears spurted from Al’s eyes. Little packages of fear poured down his face as he tried to understand what on earth was happening. He hadn’t felt anything for so long that now he was feeling something he couldn’t understand it at all. You wouldn’t think it’s that hard to forget something you’d had with you your whole life but it was like Al’s body was faster than him. A stomach ache was starting and a headache was forming all the while tears started pouring rapidly. Everything felt like it was crashing.

Like god was clanging two massive pans together trying to make a racket just for Alex, above it all he could hear Miles shout, “What the fuck is going on Alex?” Miles was bewildered, his outburst was surely shit of him but when Alex just burst into tears the frustration deflated and he was left wandering as to why Alex was crying, he knew Alex was overtired but it was a little ridiculous. When Miles rested his hand on Alex shoulder trying to break him from whatever traumatic cave he’d fallen down, the only reaction Miles saw was the way Alex flinched. “Alex..” he said tentatively, broken hearted by the fear he saw that struck his friends eyes. It was then that he felt relieved, an odd moment he assured himself but this was the first time Alex had looked alive in months. He knew Alex was missing something but he couldn’t deceiver it, but he had cracked it, once a little emotion shed itself he could see how void Alex had been recently. 

Alex was shivering, the sleeves of his far too big sweater cradled his fists that clung to his face. Covering his tear soaked skin and blotchy cheeks, Miles pulls at his arms and bring Alex in for a hug, whispering that he’s ‘so sorry’ over and over again until Alex stops shaking. When they finally pull away, Alex’s eyes convey nothing again, as bland as they were before the original fit. “How’re you feeling?” Miles whispers to him in a soft tone, it’s at this point that Alex comes to his own revelation and realises perhaps he should tell Miles why he has been in a cocoon of himself the past couple of months. “I don’t know” He lets out in a choked voice clear that he’d been crying. 

Miles was confused by this, yes he may of had a brief display of Alex’s internal neutral hysteria but he didn’t fully understand that Alex had begun to feel literally nothing, he just thought maybe he was subdued, depressed not bland. Alex lets out a shaky breath and says “That's the first time I’ve felt anything in months Mi.”

-  
That night when Miles sends him to bed he doesn’t just let his mind go to white noise. He thinks about how Miles will now worry more about him. About how everyone will. Now his emotionless secret is out.

In Alex’s last moments this is the one thing he thinks about because it is the very reason he decided he hated himself. He did not care. Oh how he loved Miles and he didn’t want Miles to fret about him, but he just couldn’t find the motivation and emotion to even worry, after that emotional breakdown it’s like he was left cleaner than he was before. This time it’s like his tears had bleached him of even anxiety for his most loved friends. 

And with every breakdown comes a review. A review and assessment of life and death. Just like a cliche and a stereotype Alex let his body lie still as his brain went over every situation where he could of died. He kept thinking about how he could do it. How he could take the medicine in his cupboard, the amount of random leftover painkillers he has from random injuries his obtained over the years from touring. He would take them slowly at first, each one every 10 seconds then by the 5th one, the greed for death would take over and he would have a whole handful of different coloured sweeties. Chugging them down with a glass of water, the liquid dripping out of the sides of his mouth as he grabbed gluttonously at the pills. Or how he could get in his car and drive it off into a lake, or a fire, or off a cliff. I bet the tabloids would love the last one, they’d say he was high or drunk, off his tits on a narcotic, they’d tell everyone how the once lovable boy who wrote British anthems turned into a shitshow because he was slurping up coke and needling himself. 

He even thought about how he could go to a lake in the park and tie weights to his feet letting himself sink and slowly leave. He could imagine it right then. His hand worked up around his throat and pressed hard, cutting off the airway and choking him. He wanted to feel the vibrant feel of the life being sucked out of him. Maybe it would make him feel something again. A sharp pain started to form under his hands, his throat burning from the lack of air, he released it finally, letting hot air flood his lungs. He smiled slightly at that although he had heard drowning was one of the worst ways to die. 

Apparently drowning isn’t so bad until you breathe in, often when you are drowning it get to a point where you involuntarily breathe, your body trying to get oxygen, but when you do, you accidentally take in some of the water which causes your vocal chords to constrict, blocking off your airway. This is the body trying to stop the water getting into your lungs but it means it makes it harder for you to begin breathing naturally again but you can most usually be saved. 

Imagine your own body almost breaking, stopping oxygen breathing into you and you can do nothing to stop it. Alex decides as painful as it would be he likes the idea of being able to feel a burning sensation in his last few minutes opposed to pills which would just take away any feeling he had as residue. He starts to think about what the newspapers would read, they’d probably say something horrible like the fact another young celebrity has died but what a surprise if he’d waited one more year, he would of joined the infamous 27 club.


	4. Blood Red Puke

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Trigger Warning: Bulimia, Self-harm, Depression. 
> 
> This ones a little shorter, sorry, but the next two chapters will make up for it I promise.

Continuing this evening, Alex felt terror, and even after his meltdown, he had been happy to of felt an emotion but in the morning when he awoke he wished he’d never wanted emotion because his nightmare brought him such terror. The thing i must distinguish in this situation is that Alex hadn’t wanted to die, he wasn’t suicidal per say but over the past month it had become something he could clearly imagine, and it wasn’t because he hated life, it was because he felt life was pointless without emotion. Alex wasn’t thinking about money but his whole livelihood and love was built on a foundation of emotion, his songs were created with feeling, he was nothing without it. 

So when he thought of death he knew he wouldn’t really feel it, it’s hard to explain because of course it would hurt if he drowned, but he could give one second of burning for an out to this pointless life and he knew the wouldn’t be any regret or sadness about his decision. This nightmare wouldn’t change his final decision however it would scare him absolutely shitless. 

The dream was a special dream, not everyone gets them but a handful do, they’re called “paralytic dreams.” It’s when you become paralyzed in your dreams, some people awake and become aware of their state, feeling as if something is coming for them but some people have it inside of their dreams in which they’re paralysed but in any situation their unconscious mind can imagine. You can decide which you think is scarier. 

Alex’s dream started out pretty normal, well as normal as dreams are. But he was then placed in the centre of a building, a large window was above him decorated in red glass lights that framed the window. It was almost serene until the red glass lights suddenly began to flash as a warning sign and an alarm started beeping and whirring. It sounded as if the building was on fire but when Al tried to stand up his body would not obey him. He was stranded, stuck inside a maze of horrific aftertastes. The fire was approaching fast, he could smell that usually happy campfire smell, the one he used to smell when him, Matt, Nick and Jamie would go camping in the summers between school. But now it submitted to the authority of his nightmare.

The first sentiment was like an icy fist grabbing his ankle. As if it hurt so much, it went straight to shudderingly thunderous white out pain, it felt like fingers clawed and pushed into his skin, melting his insides, the second sentiment was as if someone took that feeling of burning at put it in his veins. He wasn’t just thinking of a burn you might get while cooking, what I mean is if you’ve ever been camping you’ll understand: the is a fine line between standing next to the fire, when it is cosy, and when it feels as if your body is going to implode because the front half of your body has visibly melted onto the floor like a puddle of melted icecream. It’s that feeling, an itching burn that prickles the top of your skin painfully, it was that pain but throughout his entire body, in all his cells and cracks. 

This continued for hours, an inseparable pain that burnt his whole body to a crisp, he could feel himself decaying but he still couldn’t move. 

Then blue calming water splashed along his skin, cooling him and someone started calling his name in the distance. Alex cracked his eyes open and found he was able to move his fingers again, and then his arms, chest and legs. When he eventually stopped marvelling at the fact he could move he realised that Miles was now shouting at him. “ALEX!” he repeated until Alex’s hand raised and pushed itself against Miles’ mouth, shutting him up. Alex felt indefinitely like death. 

His head was muffled and sore, a headache clouding over his brain and his eyes weren’t focusing. “Mmm shh Mi” He lets out drowsily and slurred, he sounded drunk, blackout drunk. Mi was confused at this, his head swivelling around the room to see whether there were any empty booze bottles Al had managed to sneak in. He was sure that the wasn’t any in house because he was the one who had been doing the shopping for months. Miles was further confused when he couldn’t see any bottles or anything to do with narcotics. 

“Alex?” He spoke with kindness, confusion clear in his tone, Al took a deep breath in as if talking was a particularly hard activity, “Yeah?” He again slurred out, “Have you taken anything? Please tell me?” That made Alex flex with confusion, “NO course’ not” he told Mi a little aggressively. This caused Miles to scratch his head in wonder and concern. He believed Alex was too out of it to even dare acting like he hadn’t done something. 

When Miles stepped out of Alex’s cobwebbed room he decided to call Matt. This ended up with Matt and his doctor friend turning up on the doorsteps of Alex and now Miles apartment. “Coming” Miles called up through the hallway from Alex’s room. He was now sitting with Al’s head in his lap and Al told him deliriously about his dream. He lifted Al’s head and laid it on the pillow before standing up and dusting off his trousers. He sauntered along the modern apartment towards the wooden door that stood with its latch. When Miles reached the door he took in a deep breath almost to scared to find out what was wrong with Al. 

When he opened the floor and was introduced to Matt's friend, he explained how Al had been behaving the last couple of months.   
The doctor took a blood test, which Al did try to fight but in his weakened state was unable to do much. Matt gulped behind the doctor, grave emotion filled his face as he saw Alex acting as if he’d taken all of the drugs Matt could think of. “Stop worryin’” Alex mumbled out as he gazed up at Matt with glazed eyes, “It’ll take a week for the results but from what i presume he’s lacking in sleep, nutrients and maybe a bit of blood loss” 

MIles looked alarmed at the words “blood loss” he echoed questioning what the doctor had just said. The doctor coughed clearly uncomfortable and upset and what he was about to reveal, “He has a couple of scars on his arm, it’s clear his depressed so he may of been cutting, the scars on his arm are old but look like they could be self-harm, he could of been cutting other places to ensure you wouldn’t see.” Both Matt and Miles gasped in shock before the doctor continued “It’s also likely that he’s bulimic, or at least was, he has teeth marks at his knuckles and if you’ve been feeding him it’d make sense. He may of been originally doing it and know it’s his body's reaction whenever he eats.” 

Miles looked down ashamed, he clearly wasn’t doing enough. “I’ve been trying to give him a balanced diet, He’s never said anything about his weight or cutting” he pleaded. The doctor looked down clearly disturbed “I’m not saying he definitely does, check for cuts and then if you find any, It’d be best if he got real help, he’s clearly in a very bad place right now. I’m pretty sure he has been throwing up a lot though, do you know how he could of been doing it without you noticing?”

Miles scanned across the time he’d been at Alex’s home, eyes watering as he did so, “When i first came he hadn’t had a shower in a couple weeks, it took a month or so to get him into a routine of showering and eating something once a day, over the past couple of months he’s been showering every day, i took it as a good sign, thought it was helping him feel a bit better. He usually refuses breakfast even though I cook it every morning, sometimes I get him to eat a little at lunch but he mostly eats a middle to big sized portion…. He doesn’t shower straight away, but we eat pretty late so he usually puts on some music, showers and heads to bed” 

The doctor nods and all of them understand that Alex must of been throwing up during the time he was “showering”   
-

When Alex eventually snaps out of it he realises he’s in his front room. A plate of food has been left in front of him, some cut up apple and a cheese sandwich, a glass of milk and some chicken skewers. He can hear murmuring coming from his kitchen and can vaguely see Matt’s back standing in the doorway. Alex grabs at the chicken and takes a bite, instantly feeling sick and tiredly spitting it on the floor. This alerts both Matt and Miles that he’s awake, Matt walks through but Miles stays on the phone. “Hey Al” Matt says in a caring whisper, worry hung over him.

Miles eventually joins the lounge after a minute, “Al, you have to be honest, have you been throwing up every night?” Alex frowns, “i didn’t wan’a worry you’s” Miles shuts his tired wide eyes and breaths in dizzyingly, stress falls over his creased face as Matt looks like he might cry, water filling his sockets, “it’s not like I ain’t hungry, just nothing stays down anymore” Alex tries to explain. Everytime he’d eaten, his skinny lanky body had rejected most of it, a little bit keeping him alive but other than that it’s been washed away down the toilet. What's worse is recently blood had started coming up aswell, although he chose it ignore that at the current moment. 

Matt abruptly says with a stoic expression “Have you ever cut yourself?” All Alex can do is look away, sorrow filing the other two boys, and that's the next emotion Alex feels, shame and it only gets worse once Miles tells him that he has told his parents and they’ll be here by the day after tomorrow. Alex didn’t want his parents to know, at the moment it was only these two that had been alerted to the seriousness of his episode and as soon as other people found out, people would start meddling, the press would find out, anything could happen. 

White hot shame fills Alex like a coil of hot icy heat, he curls in on himself trying to urge away something that feels like a panic attack. Breathing becomes harder and harder and Alex just wishes he’d die in that moment. Matt pulls Alex to face him and starts telling Alex how to regulate his breathing. Snot and tears pour down Alex’s face as he calms down. “Maybe you should eat a little” Miles offers but Alex doesn’t want them to see the blood in his puke so he just shakes his head over and over again whilst crying, hoping to deter them.


	5. A joyful laugh filled the air. Alex’s.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Suicide Trigger.
> 
> The next chapter is coming soon, will be longer and inherently sadder.

The day ends. The cold morning air rises but Alex can no longer even feel his skin, dissociating, he hovers within the walled confinement of what could or couldn’t be his body. Simply a sudden mind which just so happens to be there. Miles and Matt check on him, viewing over his pale unwavering skin from the beginning at 6am. The beginning of a day of terror. Neither of the boys would ever forget it, sadly Alex would. 

He hadn’t slept, no matter how hard they cried and asked him to move or even answer them, he just couldn’t. He was no longer human, just some shortened fuse which had been lit and now had frazzled out in some less than spectacular way. His eyesight blurred at a constant rate, nothing was around him simply his own breathing which he hoped would stop at some point. Finally at 9am whilst Miles stood in the wooden doorframe of the wilted room, Alex’s eyes fluttered shut and he fell into a light, nightmarish sleep. 

Sweat woke him up. Pouring down his tender skin he felt weaker than he thought was possible. Struggling to even pull himself out of bed, his bones creaking, exploding his head into an ache that could've split his head open. He opened his mouth to let out a groan at the sudden voice of sharp pain which shuttered around his body after being in what felt like a lifeless coma for the past 10 hours. But no sound let itself release form his throat, so dehydrated and malnourished his throat couldn’t make words. Miles’ feet padded up into his room as he heard Alex’s tedious movement. 

“Al?” His concerned voice echoed around in Alex’s desolate head, a small smile made it’s way to Alex’s face, he wasn’t quite alone yet, Miles wouldn’t ever choose to leave him. 

Miles let out a wavering smile as he saw Alex actually reacting for once in what it felt like forever. Although his smile seeped off his face as Alex’s arms stopped working and gave out causing Al to fall back onto the mattress with an “umph!”. Matt ran into the room seeing Miles’ holding Al close, “You need to eat Al” He whispered, terror filling his tone, and tears making their way to his eyes. Seeing his friend so feeble, clearly on the edge of death. 

Matt and Miles’ eyes met, debating calling the hospital, he was clearly slowly dying at this point, that not getting help seemed ridiculous, but Al’s parents were due in a couple hours, if they could just get him to eat. But when Al shakes his head, and tears form as he tells them he’s too scared to throw up, they’re shaking gets worse and worse. They ask Al why he’s so scared, so terrified, sure throwing up isn’t nice but it wasn’t petrifying. Alex shook his head, crying out that he was an idiot, sniffling although tears and snot ran down his face, and slathered the pillow as he hugged into it. 

“Can I get in?” Miles asks. If it was you who was there, you wouldn't of noticed the slight nod that sent Miles’ heart rate beating faster. But he did, so Miles clung onto Alex’s skeletal body, feeling Al’s poignant ribs under his fingertips as tears from all 3 of the boys rotted the soft white cotton stained sheets. Alex eventually croaked out that blood had been pouring into the porcelain toilet bowl when he threw up, it should’ve been scaring him but Alex only ever saw it as a step closer to death but today it shook him to the core, finally seeing himself as to what he looked like, finally seeing the horror on Miles’ frail face. 

His friends eyes seemed dead, flat and obedient to sadness. It broke Alex to know he was only going to further Mi’s pain but he couldn’t stop himself, he was close to a destination he’d slowly driven to over the past 6 months. 

Miles’ held a a biscuit in one hand and a glass of water in the other as he slowly managed to get Alex to take bites and sips of each, getting a total of 3 down him before Alex said he might throw up. “Your parents will be here in 3 hours”. Alex knew it’s quite evil that he was going to wait for his parents to appear to him, he didn’t want to see his mum go through hell as she saw his body but he had been ignoring her for months, a catatonic state covering him as soon as he thought of her. But he had to see them one last time. 

“I want to sleep.” Alex said to Matt, “I don’t think you should mate” Matt told Al looking at the skull which stuck of of Al’s skin, his eyes sinking in, covered with greyish dead looking bruised skin. The only slightly well groomed thing about Alex at this point was his hair, cut and brushed by Miles only a week ago. Alex thought slowly over Matt denying him sleep. “Why?” He was confused as to why he couldn’t sleep the next couple of hours of before seeing his parents. “I’m scared you won’t wake up” Matt said, his voice breaking as his skin blotched from crying.

“Oh”

Miles appeared in the doorway. “Can you cut my hair Mi? Wanna look nice” He said hoping it was evident that he wanted to look better for his parents. If Miles understood he didn’t stay but Alex was sure he did. Both Matt and Miles helped take Al into the bathroom. “I’ll start to pack” Matt whispered to Mi but the silence in the world allowed Alex to hear, “Where goin’” he said to Matt, Matts eyes closed painfully before carefully saying in a low voice “When your parents get here, we are taking you to hospital.” Alex’s jaw clenched slightly as panic raised in his throat like acid reflux, “It’ll be okay Al” MIles says kindly to him, kneeling in front of him, his hand laid on Al’s thigh gently, squeezing in reassurance. 

“I want it short like before, clean” He tells Miles, hoping the shorter would let him look prettier again and not like some druggie about to join the 27 club a year early. Miles gets to work, slowly cutting and shaving the hair down, gently caressing Al and getting him to sip water. At the end, with all Alex’s hair scattered along the floor, he raises his skinny wrist and rests in along the shortly shaved bottom, filling his lungs with air, at least his hair will look nice for the funeral. Or maybe it’ll be closed casket, wouldn’t surprise him with how he looked right now, well he wouldn’t be surprised, because he’d be dead. 

Miles pottered around in the background, sweeping up the mess. But Al stayed and sat staring into his reflection, it wobbled a little from his lack of nourishment but mostly he stared into his bloodshot eyes. Red from crying, red from sickness, red from the tiredness of being alive. 

He was so unequivocally ready to die that it made him shiver. For once he felt alive. Sweet irony. He felt love, warmth in his bones as he looked at Miles in the background moving around, he seemed more chipper, thinking Al was feeling better, filled up with false hope. Miles eventually looks up to see Alex looking at him in the reflection, a wide smiling covering his face, a grin so softly big that Mi nearly had a heartattack. Tears welled in Al’s already bloodshot eyes, water framing his pupils as he smiled at Mi, feeling so much love he felt he could explode. “I love you y’know” Alex let out. 

Voice slightly croaky and hitched with tension. He nearly stopped grinning but Mi told him to keep smiling, light filling his eyes for the first time in months, worry lines fading. Mi’s response only made Alex smile wider as he looked at Mi, stood in his white shirt with pieces of Al’s hair fluttering around and clung to him. 

A joyful laugh filled the air. Alex’s. 

The first time he’d laughed and felt light in so long. Matt appeared in the doorway, shocked to hear Alex’s distinctive sheffield laugh. 

-

Alex sat in bed writing in his song book, which he’d had for years, a battered black book he’d received for his birthday from his parents once they’d found out about the band, he only wrote the most important and well written things in it, scared to use up the pages of the book. “You writing?” Mi asks, “Yea, finally got some inspiration!” Alex said with a small chuckle. ALex didn’t disclose what he was writing about, miles would later feel guilty about this, not pushing for it would be the worst mistake of his life.

“Can I see?” he asked softly, “When I’m finished” Alex tells him, a sad smile, shadowing his face which Miles doesn’t quite catch. 

“Must be important” Miles questions. “It’s about the last few months”

“Will you ever explain it to me?” Miles says, smally, sadness soaking his soul. “Maybe one day” Alex mumbles, yet again tears filling up his eyes. 

“None of that laa” Miles tell him as wipes away All tears, “please don’t cry” he continues although tears are welling up in his own eyes. 

“Do you wanna sleep?” Miles asks, confident that with Al’s new found upbeat energy they’ll be alright too sleep till his parents get here. Alex nods, “Only if you stay” he says in a childish tired voice from where his curled up. Once they’re lying down, curled up in each other. Miles dreams of the new happier Alex, hoping that over the next couple of months his health will improve and they’ll be back to being best friends. Alex dreams of the blankness. 

A sea of brittle coldness. The way his body will lie limply and he couldn’t help but to fall in love with such horrible imagery. In his note he’d written about the coldness of everything lately. How he felt blind suddenly, how’d he’d always been able to see every colour, ones people couldn’t see, how he could make people see colour. He could do anything and then it was suddenly stripped away and he was left blind.   
How his fingers no longer played elegant riffs and pretty strums, how only broken deaf noise shattered around him, yet it wasn’t ugly, it was just nothing. Nothing could provoke the icy numbness he’d fallen into, not even the ones closest to him.   
How when he picked something up, or something brushed past him, it neither felt good nor bad, it was nothing. How everything was suddenly nothing and it was ripping his soul completely. He felt pointless. He felt goalless. He felt as if nothing ever had mattered and that he was selfish cunt but he couldn’t change his remoteness. 

He felt ill, but he felt nothing. 

Just a ghost. 

Alex’s dream was death, one he crossed his fingers under the covers for. In only a couple hours hopefully the sting of life would be removed and he would fade. He could already feel himself fading, even in his dreams, they were dimmer than usual, and everything was significantly blurrier. It’s like when people are in hospital and they act all lively and then die the next day, it was just the same, he felt he could act happier for one final time. 

When Alex woke up, he lay, eyelashes blinking against Miles’ arm, he was finding it harder to breathe, whether that was due to his oncoming suicide or whether it was his body finally shutting down, he couldn’t figure out but he knew it was because he was going to die. Matt came in “waking” both the boys up, saying Alex’s parents were coming in 10 minutes. Al turned to face Mi, their noses brushing. 

“It’ll be okay” Miles tells Alex, thinking his increased breathing was panic. Alex nods saying he knows “everything will be okay” but as they both said it, they both had very different images of what was supposed to happen. MIles thought they’d take him to hospital and the doctors would be shocked at his state, but tell them it’d be okay after a while of medication and trying. Although Alex was thinking he’d end up in hospital it wasn’t quite the same. 

He wasn’t aiming for a hospital bed, he was aiming for the morgue.


	6. The last chapter

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hello, this is the last chapter, It isn't very long but it's hard to write such an effective piece, maybe in the future I'll revisit it and edit it if people don't like it but It's something very harsh to write about. 
> 
> If you ever feel anything like this, whether Bulimia, Anorexia, depression, denationalisation/dissociation, suicidal thoughts, numbness etc or anything else, get help. Whether they are small or big thoughts, something that consumes you or something you rarely think about, talk to someone about it. Mental health is a very important part of your life and you have to look after yourself. 
> 
> Trigger: Suicide, depression, drugs.

It was kind of odd how everything felt in that moment. Al felt so happy. He almost hated the irony but he couldn't find it in himself to do it. Smiling even hurt, he had that little energy. When he heard the doorbell go he clamoured to get out of bed, although Miles had to wrap his arm around him in order for Alex to stay upright, and Alex had ignore the fact that the room was moving and bobbing, he walked towards the door. The heat of Miles next to him motivating him to keep moving. 

“Alexander!” His mum cried out when she saw him. A frail grin still held Alex’s mouth upwards. His mum didn’t quite have the same reaction, nor his dad, both of them hadn’t realised how terrible he’d look. How weak Alex would seem.   
He pulled his mum into the tightest hug he could muster which in reality wasn't particularly tight, but he’s weak figure shook as he did so, taking in the scent of his childhood. 

He hugged his dad next, he smelt like the old library in sheffield. Old dusty books which is add always seemed to have his nose in. With just a sprig of the colon he’d always used, a gift his mum brought his father on their first anniversary or something. 

It was the second worst moment of his parents lives seeing him like that, the first worst moment of their lives was the moment they realised they’d never see him again. 

“Shall we get going then?” Matt said chirpier than usual, ready to take Alex to the hospital. “Actually if you don't mind I’d prefer if I could change and shower and maybe even eat a little.” Alex said that grin reappearing. “How are you mum, dad?” 

“We’re good son, would of been better if you’d look after yourself though!” Alex only smiled, to euphoric on the thought of dying to be anything less than pleased. “Well that isn’t very Rock n’ Roll” He laughed. 

“There you are you twat, I've missed you” Miles exclaims in joy and love. He’d been wanting the laughable, loveable Alex back for months, seeing his best mate like this was crushing. Alex laughs although it ends in a barrel of coughs. 

The family around him looks worried. “Stop being so anxious, I’m fine, we'll go to hospital in a bit” Alex convinces them. “Alex of course we’re worried, what on earth happened?” Al’s mum hisses. “Mam there's no point talking about it, it’ll only upset you. Matt make them a cuppa and Miles can help me get ready to go.” He tiredly winks at his mate. 

“No Alexander! What happened?” His mum demands, even Matt and Miles look at him quizzically. 

Alex begins to shake his head “Just y’know” He tries to shrug off. Heat pools in his belly as the sickness and acid builds in his throat. He begins to shake his head a little to erratically as busy thoughts break through his head, first time he’d felt like he was actually thinking in a normal mindset since the beginning of this. But that only scared him now. After months of silence to be bombarded by thoughts was terrifying and caused Alex to shake. 

Miles’ hand brought Alex back. “Hey you don’t have to tell us now, but sometime yeah?” Alex again nodded still a little to erratically but instead of a glare that had burned his mother's gaze now a worried anxious look crossed her features. 

“Let’s get you ready to go, they can have a drink with Matt and we’ll get ready, yeah?” Miles told Alex as if he was a child.

All four would come to regret letting Alex convince them hospital could wait, they’d all blame themselves for years after this day. Especially Miles, he'd drive himself crazy with grief. 

As Miles pulled Alex into his room he handed Al some comfy yet nice clothes to wear after his shower, and started packing some things for them to stay overnight at the hospital with. Whilst Miles was distracted, Alex opened a medium sized box which looked like a book from the outside, it was hidden between actual books on himself. 

In the box lay pills, any kind of pill Alex had been able to get. Miles had cleaned out the bathroom cupboard after releasing it probably wasn’t the best idea, he didn’t think Al would kill himself, it wasn’t really a possibility until Matt's friend came round yesterday but that hasn't stopped him cleaning out the seemingly endless supply of medications Alex had kept over the years. The worst part of this is, Alex had already taken enough to kill him about three times, and stuffed them in a box, along with drug tabs from long ago, general medication and anything he’d be able to find, pretty sure the were some gaviscon tablets hidden in there. Alex was holding some of the clothes that Miles had handed him to change into after and he stuffed 3 plastic tubes of random medication tablets in between the layers of soft fabric.

“Mi can you do this after i've got in the shower, as much as i seem better i don't doubt i do need the hospital.” He said knowing this was enough to manipulate Miles. He felt a twinge of guilt at saying it knowing it would force Miles into the frame of mind to leave Alex alone to shower but he had to. This was his one true happy ending.

Alex doesn’t overthink the fact that now he his on the edge of numb death he seems to be finding emotion everywhere he looks. He’s too tired, too finished and absolutely done with trying to live his life.   
“Yea sure Ally” 

“Don’t call me that” Alex groaned in fake annoyance as Miles again wrapped his arm around Alex and took him into the bathroom. He reached across and turned the shower on closing the curtains ready for Alex, Al placed the clothes down in a neat pile hiding all the pills from the boy he’d always have a crush on, even after this. Alex smiled at Miles as he lifted his shirt off of the of boy. “I've missed you” Alex said although he knew he meant to say “I’ll miss you”. 

“I’ve been here this whole time” Alex only tilts his head back in a laugh, “come on help my get my trousers off” he asks with a cheeky grin and a wink. 

Miles had almost felt complete until he sees all of Alex’s bone sticking and jutting out, he remembers then that it’ll be a long time before he sees Alex back to his old self again, and I guess he wasn’t wrong, it would be a very long time. Because for years nightmares and haunting memories of Alex would fill him day and night, even when Miles would finally recover from the horribility of it all it would still cast a shadow over his life, making him cautious of everything. The only time he’d ever see Alex perfect again is the day he dies, thankfully seeing Al going down this dark path shook Miles to never go through it himself and always get help whenever he needed it, instead of hiding away. 

Miles helped the poor boy undress, then carefully helped lift the boy into the shower. 

“I know this is probably the completely wrong time and place but i just..” Miles says as Alex looks him longingly in the eyes. Miles reaches forward pulling his face next to Al rested a soft chaste kiss on the skinnier boys chapped lips. “Please get better” Mi tells him, his voice breaking between words. “I will.” Alex says a large smile replacing the haunting neutral expression which had placidly covered her face for the past 6 months. 

“I’m going to finish packing, will you be okay? You won’t throw up, right?” 

“Actually it’ll be easier of you plug the bathtub and let me sit in it.” So that's what Mi does, he leaves Alex sitting in a half full bathtub with the shower on. Letting him shower but also sit in warmth. Once the door mechanically shuts, Alex sits for around 10 seconds not feeling any sign of remorse. 

He is so unequivocally happy that he’s getting to die. Alex swallows languidly dragging a frail hand up his wet face and through him wet hair. Letting sprigs of it fall into his face, knowing it used to drive people crazy when he’d do that. He’d tried not to be too arrogant over the years but at some point he had started to like the fact that people thought he was attractive. At first it’d had been foreign and uncomfortable, but eventually around the Suck It and See era he’d been allowed to accept compliments. 

He takes a big breath in before leaning over the side of the bath and plucking up three different plastic cylinders of a random assortment of pills. 

He swallowed them all. 

Deep gulps of air between each.

Using the water from the shower to swallow them down. 

He was disorientated, ill, and swurvy. The world seemed almost upside down as he struggled to breathe, not even realising he’d sunk into the bath, he could hear Mi humming and singing in the next room over.

He could hear the clinks of cups downstairs as his parents and Matt chatted. 

He could no longer hear. 

The ceiling above him was an odd shade of mauve, a dark yet light purple. He could feel the water lightly lapping at the sides of his face as his mouth hung wide and water slowly fell into it everytime he spasmed. The water was hot when it had started running but now it felt icy and cold. 

As if someone had started an ice dispenser and let it run into his bath. Al almost giggled at that, an odd sounding metaphor or simile was always the best way to start writing a song. 

A head bobbed above him. It’s mouth circular and open. But the was no sound.

He could imagine the screaming though, Alex smiled at the character above him, letting more water fall into his mouth and down his throat. 

Hands on his shoulders and the loud rushing of being pulled out the water, with a loud female scream that sounded like he’s mothers, was the last thing he heard.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Look after yourself, someone loves you even if you realise it.


End file.
